The Fine Art Of Naming Metal Band

Jakarta - Staring at band names for hours at a time will force you to appreciate the fine art of naming one’s metal band. You also notice trends in band names. For example:

The classic “defame something sacred” technique. Take a word that most of society considers good, holy or wholesome, and piss on it with a word that completely undermines it. That way every one knows your band is badass. Such as:

Black Sabbath

Judas Priest

Cradle of Filth

Angel Witch

Beautiful Sin

Morbid Angel

Next is the “obscene visualization” technique. Preferred by Death Metal and Grindcore bands. They pick names that are so graphic that they conjure up horror movie imagery when you speak them. When you hear these bands names, you just know that their music is going to be fast, brutal, with lots of growling or screaming. What you don’t know is if they’ll be any good. I give you:

Anal Cunt

Cattle Decapitation

Cannibal Corpse

Dying Fetus

Amoebic Dysentery

Cock and Ball Torture

Circle of Dead Children

But let’s not forget the “too clever” band names. Every genre of music suffers from this, but metal certainly has its share of bands that got a little too cute with their bands names. Here are a few that make me cringe:

Darkwoods My Betrothed – Do you, Darkwoods, take this dungeon master to be your betrothed..

Killswitch Engage – just.. no..

Lunatics Without Skateboards, Inc. – As if the band name weren’t bad enough.. had to add the 'Inc.'

Protest The Hero – I imagine lots of emo sing-a-longs from this band.Scars of Tomorrow – whoa! That, like, blows my mind.

Bullet for My Valentine – hmm.. go ahead and tour with My Chemical Romance

But let’s end on a positive note. Finally, band names that you’re pissed someone came up with before you. They’re so perfect and succinct that you hope they sound good so you can wear that band’s t-shirts. Behold!

Black Sabbath

Iron Maiden

Mercyful Fate

Cannibal Corpse

Slayer

Tool

Sepultura

Deicide (means: “to kill a god”)

Suicidal Tendencies

Please feel free to add to this list via comments. I’d love to see other people’s contributions.